America—whether we like it or not—is getting a new paint job real soon. The next resident of America’s address won’t have the option to literally paint The White House you know, any other color, but he’s already decorating his cabinet in a radical new scheme. Will it be Science Denial Green or Paedophile Pink? Fox News Blue or Menstrual Blood Red? From what color interior walls will the poor housekeeping staff be required to scrub the ketchup stains and diaper odors this time around?

You’d think it would be easy to get before and after photos of a big painting project … you’d think. We know right where someone was planning to paint—it must be happening soon, so we’ll just check back when the job is done … right?

Not so fast. You’d be surprised how many customers take the initial leap to get a handful of color splotches painted on the front of their home or business only to let that job linger for months—years even—while they figure out what they want to do and how to pay for it.

So we wait … and wait … and, gosh darn it, we’ve waited long enough! We’re running out of time and someone’s just about to kick over the paint can and put Bevis in charge of the cheerleading squad.

Welcome to your new home, America. We don’t know what it’ll be like when the job is done, but it ain’t gonna look the same.